Can You Actually Choose to Be Happy?

Maybe happiness isn’t something you find. Maybe it’s something you build.

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”  -Dalai Lama

I’m home.

I’ve traveled far across the ocean and spent weeks abroad—traveling, exploring, adventuring, learning, and soaking in so much of the world around me. But today, I’m not here to tell you about all of those adventures. As fun as that would be, we’ll save those stories for another time.

Today, I’ve got something else on my mind.

I’m home now, which means I finally have a little time to reflect. And the question I keep coming back to is this:

Can you choose to be happy?

The reason this question has been weighing on me is for a few different reasons:

1. I just finished reading The Happiest Man on Earth.
2. I just spent several weeks in Europe, including visiting the Dachau concentration camp, while also diving deep into World War II history through books and movies. My mind keeps returning to the people who endured such unimaginable atrocities.
3. I have a close friend who is struggling with depression right now and has been confiding in me about some very heavy emotions.
4. And honestly, I’ve always been fascinated by this topic. I love dissecting what happiness really is, why some people seem to find it despite incredibly difficult circumstances, and what we can learn from them.

Before I dive into all of this, though, I want to mention one thing.

This isn’t a newsletter where I’m going to pretend I have happiness all figured out. I certainly don’t, just ask my kids or hubby who think I’m cranky a lot of the time. 😏 But after reading several books on the topic, reflecting on conversations with friends, and thinking deeply about it for many years, especially recently, I realized there are a handful of ideas that have genuinely shifted the way I think about happiness. So today, I simply want to share those thoughts with you. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and maybe together we’ll all move a little closer to living happier lives.

The Happiest Man on Earth

Gosh, this was such a sweet little book with some incredibly powerful messages packed into each chapter.

What stuck with me most wasn’t necessarily the Holocaust stories themselves—although they’re heartbreaking and also very entertaining—but what happened afterward.

Eddie Jaku survived unimaginable atrocities. He made it through. He lived. And yet, after all that, he realized he had become a miserable old crankpot.

It seems like he’s having an internal struggle of, What was the point of surviving if I was just going to spend the rest of my life being unhappy? So he made a decision. He was going to choose happiness. That realization stopped me in my tracks.

Is it really that simple? Can someone simply decide, “From this day forward, I’m going to be happy?”

As Eddie admits in the book, it’s easier said than done.

“Life is not always happiness. Sometimes, there are many hard days. But you must remember that you are lucky to be alive—we are all lucky in this way. Every breath is a gift. Life is beautiful if you let it be. Happiness is in your hands.”

So, my friend… maybe happiness really is in your hands.

Or maybe you’re just not sure how to get there.

That’s where I think it starts with curiosity, then making a plan, then taking action. 

Ask yourself:

• How am I spending my days?
• What consistently brings me joy?
• What consistently pulls me into a negative mindset?

For me, I know if I’m stuck inside all day long, I’m going to be real cranky and not much fun to be around. Sorry, fam. 😄

Even knowing that, I still forget how incredibly important it is for me to get outside. The second I head out for a hike, a ski tour, or heck, even a long walk around town, I breathe better. I think more clearly. I simply feel happier.

Because of that, I’ve learned I have to intentionally carve out time for it—even during the busiest weeks.

So let me ask you…

• What do you need? OR learning from last month’s Elevate Livin’ Life E-newsletter, the question shouldn’t be, what do you NEED but what do you WANT? 
• What makes you smile?
• What makes you lose track of time?
• What sets your soul on fire?
• What reminds you, in that exact moment, that life is really, really good?

This week, take a few minutes and make your own list.

Then don’t just admire it…Schedule it.

• If sitting quietly with a cup of coffee fills your cup, wake up twenty minutes earlier.
• If a walk with a friend lights you up, send the text today to get that scheduled for tomorrow.
• If reading, gardening, mountain biking, painting, baking, traveling, or playing with your kids brings you joy… make space for it.

Because the chores, the work, the errands, the emails, and the not-so-fun parts of life will always be there. Typically they’ll be demanding your attention and not leaving much time or energy for the important things in life.

Your joy won’t always make room for itself. You have to make room for it.

And one fun idea… I actually asked ChatGPT to create a colorful infographic of all the things that make me the happiest and hung it above my desk as a daily reminder. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget the things that fill our cup when life gets busy.

Solve for Happy

Okay, so you’re making time to do the things that bring you joy. Great! But… that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy.

Wait, what?

I do believe those things bring more joy and move us toward a happier life, but another book I read a few years ago, Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat, argues there’s another huge piece of the puzzle.

His theory is that happiness isn’t just determined by what happens to us. It’s determined by two things:

• Our perception of the events in our life.
• Our expectations of how life should go.

In other words, the bigger the gap between reality and the story we expected, the more unhappy we become.

Think about it.

• You expect your family vacation to be perfect… and then someone gets sick.
• You expect your work presentation to go flawlessly… and the technology fails.
• You expect your spouse to respond one way… and they respond another.

The event itself isn’t always what creates the unhappiness. Often it’s the gap between what happened and what we thought should have happened.

One of my favorite ideas from the book is that every event is neutral until we assign meaning to it. Two people can experience the exact same situation and walk away with completely different stories.–One is defeated.
–One grows.

The difference isn’t the event—it’s the meaning they chose to give it.

Mo believes happiness is something we practice.

So how do we practice it?

When something happens—especially something frustrating or painful—try this:

1. Pause and question your thoughts.
   • Instead of immediately believing every thought racing through your head, ask yourself, Is this actually true?
   • For example, “I lost my job” is a fact. “I’m a failure” is a story. Those are two very different things.
2. Choose the most truthful—and most helpful—interpretation.
   • Mo talks about the small space that exists between an event and our reaction to it. In that space, we have a choice.  Our first reaction usually comes from our survival brain—fear, anger, embarrassment, defensiveness. Our second reaction can come from our wiser, calmer, more intentional self.
   • I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather make decisions from that wiser version of myself. 😊
3. Respond.
   • Only after you’ve paused and thought through it. Waited long enough for your wiser self to show up. 

None of this is easy and in fact, it’s really hard. But I think it’s worth practicing towards being happy and if the experts who’ve spent years researching positivity and happiness say this helps, let’s give it a go. So, the next time you find yourself angry, frustrated, or disappointed, see if you can catch yourself before reacting.

Pause.

Take a breath.

Ask why you’re feeling that way.

Then decide if you have the power to choose a different response.

Life is Made Up of Phases

Sometimes you’re simply in a season of life that isn’t your best.

You might be grinding away in a job you don’t love. You might be deep in the trenches with a newborn, where life is somehow both incredibly magical and unbelievably exhausting. You might be navigating menopause, illness, an injury, chemo, puberty, or any number of physical or emotional changes that make it hard to feel like yourself. You might be grieving the death of a loved one. 

I get it.

I’ve lived through a few of those seasons myself, and they can be really hard.

When I find myself in one of those stretches, I try to remember the saying, “The days are long, but the years are short.” This season won’t last forever. Hang in there.

And if you can’t go big right now—if building a life full of adventure and excitement simply isn’t realistic—then go small.

Really small.

What are the little things you can do today that might make life just a tiny bit brighter?

• Perfect the most delicious cup of coffee at home so you have something to look forward to each morning.
• Turn on your favorite music the moment you wake up.
• Spend ten quiet minutes outside watching the sunrise before the house comes alive.
• Call a friend just to chat for a few minutes.
• Read a chapter of a good book.
• Take a short walk after dinner.

They may seem like little things. But little things, done consistently, have a funny way of becoming big things. Give yourself permission to spend twenty minutes each day doing something just for you.

You deserve at least twenty minutes of happiness. 

The Happiness Advantage

Lastly, I wanted to share a few nuggets from a book I read years ago called The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor. It dives into the science of happiness, and although I don’t remember every detail, his seven principles have stuck with me. 

1. The Happiness Advantage
Success doesn’t create happiness. More often, happiness creates success. Research shows that positive brains perform significantly better than stressed or neutral brains. So don’t wait for life to get better before allowing yourself to be happy. Start working on your happiness now, and perhaps a better life will follow. Easier said than done? Absolutely. But that’s why we’ve spent this whole newsletter talking about ways to practice it.

2. The Fulcrum and the Lever
Changing your perspective often changes your ability to solve a problem. If you only focus on why something won’t work, you’ll probably stop before you begin. But if you shift your mindset and look for another approach, new possibilities appear. This one reminded me a lot of Solve for Happy and the importance of mindset in life. 

3. The Tetris Effect

Ah yes… gratitude. You’ve probably heard this one a hundred times. 😄 But have you actually tried it? Shawn Achor recommends writing down three NEW things you’re grateful for every day to retrain your brain to notice the good.  Personally, I journal about my day, put little hearts around three moments that made me happy, and end by asking myself, What do I want for tomorrow? It’s become one of my favorite nightly habits because it helps me focus on what I need each day (big or small) to find a little more happiness tomorrow while also reminding me of the good that existed in the day I just lived.

Truthfully though, there are some days I don’t have three hearts… or maybe even one. Some days are just pure grind. On those days, I often look back and realize I forgot to do the little things that usually help me, which is why asking myself what do I want tomorrow gets me back on track, even if it’s something real small because I only have 10 minutes to spare. 

The little things don’t solve every hard day—but they sure can make the hard days a little lighter.

4. Falling Up
Life is going to knock you down. That’s inevitable. The question is whether you’ll let failure define you or teach you. Learn from it. Grow from it. Don’t let one hard chapter become your whole story. And as we learned in Solve for Happy, separate facts from emotions. You lost your job, you are not a failure though. 

5. The Zorro Circle
This one might be my favorite because I desperately need it sometimes, especially at work and the chaos of running a household with 2 kids, 2 dogs, 1 rat, 2 fish, and a life of busyness and adventure. 😄

When life feels overwhelming, don’t try to tackle everything at once. Chances are, you aren’t in the best headspace because your brain is being hijacked by stress and negative emotions. Instead, start with the smallest, most manageable task. Once you’ve conquered that circle, move to the next one.Before long, you’ll look back and realize you’ve tackled the big picture simply by focusing on one small circle at a time.

This reminds me of when I read Michael Phelps book, No Limits: The Will to Succeed and he would find himself in a similar situation, being overwhelmed with all he needed to accomplish that day or that moment. He’d stop and say “What’s Important Now” or “WIN”. Focus on the most important thing, tune out the others, get it done, and move onto the next. 

6. The 20-Second Rule
Twenty seconds. Apparently, that’s all it takes to make a good habit easier to start—or a bad habit easier to avoid. If you want to build a good habit, remove 20 seconds of friction. Want to read more? Leave a book on your nightstand instead of making yourself walk over to the bookshelf every night to grab one. On the flip side, if you want to break a bad habit, add 20 seconds of friction. Want to watch less TV? Take the batteries out of the remote and make yourself spend an extra 20 seconds tracking them down. Chances are, you’ll think twice before turning it on.

This principle reminds me of another book I absolutely love, Atomic Habits by James Clear, and I can honestly say it’s worked for me. A few years ago, when I was trying to get back into photography, I decided to test it. Instead of keeping my camera tucked away upstairs in its bag, I left it sitting on the kitchen counter where we keep our keys and mail. I’m amazed at how many more photos I’ve taken simply because my camera is right there.

Sometimes making something just a little easier is all it takes to actually do it. And by doing these little things, creating these better habits, you’ll find more happiness and joy in life. 

7. Social Investment
When life gets hard, our instinct is often to isolate. Ironically, that’s usually the exact opposite of what we need. We need connection. Reach out to your friends and family. It’s also okay to tell them you are having a hard time and getting to talk or meetup is making a huge difference. People want to be helpful. 

If finding your people has been difficult, I wrote a newsletter a few years ago called Find Your People that dives deeper into this topic.

And don’t underestimate the power of a simple phone call. One of my closest friends and I rarely see each other because life is busy, but we’ll randomly call one another for a quick life update or one of our unofficial “therapy sessions.” We vent, we encourage each other, we laugh, and by the end of the call, I almost always feel lighter. Sometimes the greatest gift isn’t advice—it’s simply realizing you’re not alone.

Alright, my friends, there it is… another long (as always 😄) Elevate Livin’ Life newsletter full of my thoughts on happiness.

Now I’d love to hear from you.

• Do you think happiness is something we can choose?
• Have you found practices that genuinely make you happier, especially during the harder seasons of life?
• What’s one thing you’ve intentionally added to your life that brings you more joy?

And lastly…

Are you happy? 🤔

If you’re not sure, or you’ve never really stopped to think about it, I’d encourage you to take Jesse Itzler’s simple Happiness Test. It only takes a few minutes, but I found it to be a really interesting exercise in reflecting on where I am right now—and what might be standing between me and becoming just one point happier.

Because maybe that’s all we’re really striving for.

Not a perfect 10.

Just one small step toward a happier life.

As always, thanks for reading along.

— Kelli