When to Say NO, When You Just Want to Say YES

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, non apologetically — to say “no” to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside.” – Stephen R. Covey

How do you say no, when all you really want to do is say yes? Like seriously, there are so many amazing and fun things out there that you just want to always say yes too! On top of that, you have work, social events, family obligations, volunteering, parenting (fur babies are work too), and so much more that you’re usually required to say yes too. But as a chronic “yesser” I am learning it takes a toll for all those yes’s I give out. So, my mom squad and I are working (key word, working) on learning to say no. 

So, Why Say No: 
As the famous Paulo Coelho states, “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” This is super important! When you say yes to something you inherently are saying no to something else because you only have so much time. So, if you find yourself feeling like you never have enough time, especially enough time to get the things YOU want to get done, then perhaps you should start looking at your priorities and what you are saying yes to that you should be saying no to.

This is easier said then done, especially if: 
1. You aren’t totally sure what it is YOU want. 
2. You feel the need to please others, even at the expense of yourself. <—let’s dive deeper into this.

Personally, I have this happen in so many areas of my life;
—Being a mom- mom guilt is real. “Yes son, I’ll play Uno for the 45th time today.”
—Being a business owner. “Yes Mr. Realtor, I can help you with this task that is not technically a part of my job.”
—Being a wife.  “Yes hubby, I can stay up late talking to you because we never get to talk but I should be going to bed before my 5:40 AM alarm goes off.”
—And so on. I am surrounded by this need to just say yes to so many people because so many people have needs of me. Which does make you feel special. But can also make you feel overworked, strung out, and/or missing out on some things you need. To combat this, I have and continue to work hard on item number 1 above; figuring out what I need and want and then build out my days to ensure it happens… which might mean saying no more often than I like.  

For example, yesterday, my hubby, son, and mother-in-law were all walking to get an ice cream treat at My Father’s Place before Charlie got home from kindergarten. I really wanted to go to spend time with all of them as I’d been neglecting them most of the day with my busy work schedule. But I knew that if I got Ember pup outside for an hour I’d be in a much better place, mentally and physically. So, I nicely said “no thanks, I am going to get Ember out” (which they were very supportive of) and I was so stoked because, the picture above is me finally getting to Egg Rock, a spot in McCall I’d be hunting down and trying to hike to for years. It was so exciting!!!  Yes, I felt guilty that I wasn’t with my family, but sometimes that is the right call and I reminded myself the day before I didn’t get a good walk in with Ember because I chose to do a shorter walk with them. So, remember, it’s about balance and realizing that when you say yes to something, make sure you aren’t tipping the scale too far away from your own needs. 

So, What Do YOU Want and Need?:
In order to protect your time to ensure you get what you want and need to happen, you need to know what those items are. You also need to know what is taking up your time. So, follow these steps to help: 

1. Make a list of your TOP priorities. This is not just a list of the things you have to do (like feed yourself) but even the ones you really need to do for the happiness and/or health of yourself (like exercise, spending time with loved ones, being outside, whatever it may be).
   1. Feeling stuck on what to have on your list? Click HERE to read this past blogpost to help you find out what sets your soul on fire. 
2. Now make a list of the other things you find yourself doing throughout the day/week.
3. Next to every activity, write down the time it takes to do this activity.
   1. NOW ADD 50% to this time. So if it takes you 10 minutes to cook breakfast, budget yourself 15 minutes.
      1. The book Essentialism by Greg McKeown taught me this valuable lesson to always budget 50% more time than what you think something will take. 
4. Now take a weekly calendar and time block activities you have to do (feeding yourself, work, etc). And you NEED to do (exercise, spending time with family, etc).
   1. I do want to say time block the things you want to do first…but sadly, the other items of what you have to do and need to do usually are required to go first. 
5. What time is left?
   1. Now plug and play those things that you want to do or should do but aren’t your top priorities.
      1. Things like volunteering, working longer hours at work, helping a friend, learning something new, whatever it may be.
      2. Make sure to leave some blank space/time in your calendar to account for spontaneous things that you either have to or want to do.
6. Now follow your calendar and protect it!!!!
   1. Remember, if you erase you must replace.
      1. So if you had exercise on the calendar for today and you didn’t make it happen (you erased it), then replace it somewhere else.
      2. Also keep in mind the things you are tempted to “skip”.
         1. Because some things you can’t skip. You can skip folding laundry because that can just be done the next day. But skipping exercise doesn’t work that way because it’s something you can’t make up for if you skip it multiple times. It’s an almost daily activity (like brushing your teeth). 
         2. Analyze, why are you skipping them? Is it because you truly don’t want to do them? If so, can you get rid of them? If it’s something like exercise, the answer is NO :), but maybe it’s not about getting rid of it but changing it. If you don’t love exercise and you skip it often, perhaps you need to change the way you exercise? 

How to Say No to Others: 
Okay, we have a very basic plan in action of how to build out our life and time to accommodate the things we need and want to say yes to. Now is the tricky part….saying no when other requests pop up to steal your time, attention, and/or energy. 

Here are some top tips on how to say no to others (or even yourself).

• Keep these quotes in mind and/or posted somewhere you see them often:
  • “You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” –Tracy Malone
  • “You have a right to say no. Most of us have very weak and flaccid no muscles. We feel guilty for saying no. We get ostracized and challenged for saying no, so we forget it’s our choice. Your no muscle has to be built up to get to a place where you can say, I don’t care if that’s what you want. I don’t want that. No.” — Iyanla Vanzant
  • ” Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument. “– Judith Martin
  • “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.” –Greg Mckeown
• When saying no, remember to:
  • Be polite and express your gratitude.
  • Keep it short and direct. You don’t have to explain why you’re saying no but a short explanation can help you and them understand- they just don’t need all the details.
  • Give an alternative option.
  • You’re not saying no to the person, just their request.
  • Stick to your answer!!!     
  • Just because others are saying yes, doesn’t mean you also need to say yes. Be brave! 
• Some practice scripts to help you:
  • “It would be my pleasure to join you, but right now I am overwhelmed with the work I have.”
  • “Thank you for your offer, I currently have a full plate with time-sensitive projects and I would not be able to live up to the standards I would set for myself and our team to make your project a success.”
  • “ I loved helping you on the past project but my calendar is full at this time. Have you thought about reaching out to —- as they do great work as well.”

But Sometimes Say YES, and here’s Why:
Okay, okay, I know I just said all these reasons of why it’s important to say no. But here is the thing, sometimes it’s good to get yourself in over your head. Sometimes you bust your butt and get your stuff done and make it all happen. Or more realistically you probably barely get it all done and feel exhausted doing it BUT you do get it done and then you are stoked because you fit it all in.

But sometimes you said yes and then when the time came you weren’t in the mood for it or were exhausted and overwhelmed. At this point you have two options, go back on your word and bail, or follow through. Both of these are necessary tactics at different times. My husband wants to kill me because I get so hung up on the integrity of my word and following through when the right answer might be to apologize and bail. He’ll encourage me to even see if the other party cares if we bail on those plans as maybe they’re feeling the same way. I’m slightly more bullheaded and stubborn and just feel, “this was my word and I said I’d do it so I’ll be there”. Slowly, I’m learning to reach out, ask if it’s okay if we push the meeting off or cancel it completely and most of the time he’s right, they’re feeling the burn too (we tend to surround ourselves with like minded “yes” people) and are relieved we are postponing our play date. So I’m working on this. BUT….. at the same time, sometimes I like to be held accountable to my word and here’s why: 

“Because, in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddam mountain.” -Jack Kerouac 

Man, Mr. Kerouac, he’s right. If you bail, you most likely aren’t going to do anything else that’s fun, you are just going to “life”. From work, to the house, to maybe even just resting, that’s what you’ll do instead. And YES there are times you NEED to do this, I agree and get it. But majority of the time, when I just rally and get myself to where I said I would be, I’m happy for it. Yes, I sometimes crash and burn later by burning the candle at both ends, but most of the time I get it done and I’m so stoked for it.

So, to finish out this Elevate Livin’ Life E-newsletter this month, I leave you with these thoughts: 

• Be aware before you commit to things of whether your future self will be happy and capable of doing it?
• Be aware of even if your future self is not happy at the time it arrives, will you be stoked in the end?
• Be aware of what you are saying yes to which thus makes you say no to perhaps more important things in your life?

I hope you leave here today by getting those priorities straight and plan them first. Go build your life the way you want it to happen, before someone else builds it for you. Lastly, what are you tips and tricks for prioritizing your life? For saying no, when you really want to say yes? How do you handle the juggle of it all? As always, thanks for reading, it means a lot, -Kelli